Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
