shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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