dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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