Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just had sex bonerless
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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