At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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