If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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