Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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