Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
