explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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