final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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