Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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