all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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