Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
