my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
As shirtless as possible
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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