He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
