he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
there's paper in my vomit.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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