Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
