Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
