Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
