My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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