I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
