my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I am naked and annoyed.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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