So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
