He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
