oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
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all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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