i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
