So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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