1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
someone threw a dead crab at me
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
