Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
