3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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