I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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