Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You were trust falling into bushes
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
