My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.