Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
