So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
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when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
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My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit