wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
