I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Congratulations! We have a period
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
