I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
