She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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