Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
