I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
