i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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