I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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