I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
