When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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