is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Randomize
