i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
