I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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