there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
