it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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