I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
