Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
