Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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