I can text with my tongue
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
