It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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