Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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