I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
