were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
