I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
