I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
