tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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