Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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