This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
